The newly announced i.Con “smart condom” is the odds-on heavyweight contender for terrible idea of the week. It is not smart, and it is not a condom, and those are only two of the many facepalm-inducing problems with this product. You can only loosely call it a product, anyway, because it’s so early in development that they aren’t even taking money for preorders — just collecting email addresses to “register one’s interest.”
For a thing presenting itself as a data-enabled smart condom and having the box art it’s got, they sure are taking poetic liberties in calling it a condom in the first place. It’s not a condom. The i.Con is a synthetic rubber “condom ring” that’s meant to sit outside of and atop a condom, in order to use its “Nano-Chip Technology” to perform feats of techno-sexual sophistication. And you still have to buy condoms anyway.
The device is supposed to log “calories burnt, duration of intercourse, how many thrusts (averaged), girth measurements, and various other pieces of data.” Then you’ll have the option of sharing your results with “friends, or, indeed the world. You will be able to anonymously access stats that you can compare with i.Con users worldwide.”
“Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse?” British Condoms wants to know. Their curiosity is burning. “How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?”
No, British Condoms, I never had. I would have made it to 30 without ever having visited upon me the specter of paying someone for the privilege of crowdsourcing my sexual insecurity and/or narcissism. I was doing fine without having sent that data, presumably in plain text, to your server somewhere in the cloud from where it will no doubt be immediately sold to your “trusted partners.”
Just what everyone wants: a device capable of compromising your phone and leaking enough data to triangulate your present location, social security number, and, now, penis size. It’s like buzzwords have achieved sentience and are now mocking us. Can you even imagine the advertising herpes that’s going to result from this? Will it have a little Bluetooth conference with your smart fridge and smart toaster over some common protocol, so they can all collude to warn you via SMS that you’ll need to pick up eggs for breakfast the morning after? What happens when your tech-savvy ex hacks your smart condom? How will this data factor into next-gen credit scores?
But that’s not all they want to do. No no. There’s more.